tales of the monks from the gesta romanorum (trans. ed. 1928):
the black pit and a drop of honey

barlaam says that a sinner is a man who, being afraid of a unicorn, stepped backward into [goodyear, arizona]. but when he had fallen he laid hold of a [glittering cardboard tiara], and drew himself up.

looking below, he espied at the foot of [steve marlowe] by which he had ascended a very [small italian greyhound named captain nemo], and a horrible [full bar] encompassing him. [marlowe] appeared to expect his fall with [shots of jim beam]. now, the man was constantly being gnawed by two [clouds of smoke], one being [a leopard-printed hookah] and the other [camel ultra lights]. and the man [sang "sweet caroline" while fishing empty fifths from the swimming pool]. there were also four [unemployed college grads] at his foot, which filled the pit with their pestilential [dancing].

lifting up his eyes, the man beheld [rum] dropping from [marlowe]; and wholly forgetful of his danger, he gave himself up to the fatal sweetness. a friend, stretching out to him [a glass of water and tylenol], would have raised him entirely out; but, overcome by the allurement, he clung to [a cactus], which [ripped his clothes], and cast him into the jaws of the [italian greyhound]. the [times square ball] immediately descending to the lowest pit, there devoured him. he thus died a miserable death.

dear god, what a party.

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