calling all last-minute valentine's day question-poppers (with money trees): if you set the wedding wheels a-spinning tomorrow and want to squeeze in a lavish event on the most auspicious day of the ever (07.07.07), you can snag the lucky number 7 wedding package at the ritz-carlton new york for only $77,777!* bring along 77 people (including yourselves)! force manicures and pedicures on 7 people!** score 7 tiffany diamonds! have an old-fashioned rose bath drawn by the ritz's bath butler!*** i'm already married and my lucky number is 12, but i feel this press release came across my desk for a reason: get cracking, people.

thus far, my favorite valentine-related program activities:

001 personalized condoms, courtesy of moscow's dr. pyotr pomozov! "Some patriotic people ask for them with Kalashnikov guns drawn on them while there are others who want something romantic like Venetian gondolas. We do it all for them."

002 the usda's meat release (USDA Offers Dating Guidance for Valentine's Day).

003 cuddly rigor mortis's luv gimp (not quite as cute as her jersey devil, but hey, gimp!).

004 ...and his close relative, the shit bitch bear .

005 courtesy of eBay, the heart-shaped potato. and shipping this one (for o, there were several) to my zip code is only $19.80!

006 personalized romance novels, complete with your heaving bosom (for an extra $25)!**** this would be what i'd be hoping for tomorrow, had i not learned of

007 chocolate butts.

and how will you be hallmark holidaying, internets? tell me you will involve chocolate butts.

*excluding taxes and gratuities (which hardly seems sporting, but i don't design these things).

**i would totally tap paul and tom to be two of those people.

***creepiest. job. ever.

****with their sample text: "When Lauren appeared at the doorway to the living area, Joe was hanging up the phone. He nearly raced for her. She had that half-awake, tousled look that he found arousing."


tom said...

So that's why you were staring at my hands back at the Old Black Horse the first night we were there!

Look: if my nails were not in proper order, just know that I have become used to ink from newspapers being on my hands. Unless it's really, really inky (e.g., the Sun-Times), I don't notice. Beyond that... you didn't see one of those under-the-nail gremlins that pitch tablets during the national news, did you?

Re: bath butler--aromatic stuff in showers/baths, if done yrself, always comes out underwhelming. With the bath butler, if the aromatherapy is less than thrilling, you have someone to blame--and can do so in an impossibly dramatic fit, like a 1940s Hollywood starlet.

Re: heaving bits--the pic on the website actually was rather demure. Looked like my older uncle actually.

Which makes me smile, because I can imaging him in a deep bass voice reading along and interjecting stuff. "He firmly grabbed her shoulder--pay attention, Thomas, you might learn sumthin'--and pulled her close. He took a piece of French bread from the table, and lightly buttered it. Ha! Way to help out the boys at the St. Albans Co-op, eh?"

lauren said...

oh heavens, i simply meant that i would have used the whole bridezilla thing as an excuse to boss boys around. i couldn't pick your mitts out of a lineup - no judging here!

...especially since i myself have the most disturbing hands in town. i usually look like i've just clawed my way out of a grave: it is my shame.

Baby jo said...

had you posted sooner (!), reynolds would have been opening a "shit bitch bear" tomorrow.

shit, bitch.

lauren said...

i still can't actually wait to give people things on the day they're supposed to open them, so last night joe got this (wrapped around this).

uncle paul said...

Oh but if you keep reading the personalized romance novel, they even personalize the man's personal fragrance after he cups the woman's personal buttock! Mitchum or Old Spice? A Flaubertian attention to detail!