ah, december 14: the last day to order crimbo gifts online in time for the holiday without paying through the nose for turboshipping. if i'm to release the official kidchamp twelve fancy things of '06 roundup, this is it - so here's hoping one of them happifies someone on your list.

01 if one of your loved ones is losing sleep over killing a tree for santa, forward them a "day of reckoning" tee. it's cute, it's fuzzy, it's gory - everyone wins!

02 for the giver with lots and lots of money and a vampire slayer friend, there's the ravinstyle mirrored heart pendant. "lipgloss glance," my eye - this is for checking to see if the guy next to you on the subway is a child of darkness.

03 courtesy of jake, they call me naughty lola: personal ads from the london review of books. someone needs to name their band 'the hoxton salad-dodgers.'

04 for the aesthete who can't keep plants alive: "you never bring me flowers..." beer can sculpture. i really, really want to learn to make these.

05 billy idol's happy holiday album:* if, say, your sister gave you NKOtB's merry, merry christmas (featuring "funky, funky xmas") in 1997 (not that a loving sister would ever do that), you know what you have to do.

06 for the flame retarded, faux candles - which are a surprisingly effective alternative to flimsy little book lights. i plunk one of these on my chest (or the cat) when i'm reading in bed.

07 my imaginary boyfriend's hi-fi christmas stocking. really nice crafter, too (she frequents the fairs i haunt).

08 for the non-crimbo-celebrating ladyfriend, the yarmulkebra (not to be confused with bramulkes for the lads).

09 for gourmands, mail order soup from the soup nazi man. joe test drove the turkey chili the other night; it wasn't nearly as magical as the soup you could get on 55th, said he, but it was still better than any other packaged stuff he'd tried. soup in the mail is teh win!

10 for the squirrel-loving ├╝berhostess, i bride's fancy animal platters. drawback: they're in amsterdam. then again, if it ain't dutch, it ain't much.

11 for the non-squirrel-loving ├╝berhostess, pancake dinner's beef steak pillow (now marked down, and proceeds benefit katrina victims).

12 for anyone and everyone, a gift that costs nothing at all: just tell your loved ones that you're growing facial hair like chuck norris to combat prostate cancer in the uk in their honor. how's that for thoughtful giving?

*A YULETIDE CHAT WITH BILLY IDOL ("Christmas is not about...hammer and tonging it. Christmas is about the fireside.") is up over at his myspace page.

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