1: "(reading) maul: to injure by a rough beating. because, see, also a heavy hammer. so technically you could be mauled by a shark..."
2: "with a hammer?"
*and got my count wrong, actually: i've read 108.
*i'd feel guilty about that, but both of them still worked, technically; if the microwave in particular could make it from an anonymous hallway to our friend tony's place however long ago, and then from tony to us in 2003, i think it will find a new host (in both senses of the word) without trouble. also, let's all ignore how i just told you our microwave came from a hallway.
**harder than shopping for skinny jeans online, and how is that possible?
***translation: NO POPCORN BUTTON.
*i still say it's going to be cuomo, though there's a bit of wish fulfillment in that (joe's life would be simpler, and i would have more opportunities to say cuomoerotic, which is still my favorite fake word).
*the other bad news, speaking of bugs, is that we also lack both a microwave and a toaster oven; the former got itself kicked out of the apartment when i opened the door immediately after zapping something and found a live cockroach taking laps around the perimeter like a racewalker at the mall of america. i decided the cockroach had earned the microwave and left them both on the curb. the toaster oven...was an accomplice, and ten years old and awfully grotty in its own right. it's peanut butter jelly time, as it were.
*except for ye olde navel ring. it's had such a hard life (remember, kids: captive bead rings are not key rings) that i don't have the heart to confront it again.
*poor kyle: david foster wallace's "david lynch loses his head" (in which he became "nerdy and potatofaced") really did a number on a generation of ladies, i think.**
**exception that proves the rule: kick-ass agent cooper tattoo.
***not my way of saying we have or have had them ourselves; i've just been reading about them (fun book, incidentally, though it'll freak you out about the bee crisis).